Before you read this, please remember not to take it seriously. It's supposed to be a bit of self-mocking fun. Nobody really believes it's true (And if you do, you need serious help :P)
Britain: The Greatest Country in The World!
Yeah, yeah. I know just about everybody says this about their country. But you know what? They're all wrong! Britain is, without a doubt, the best country in the world. Ever! Bar none!
Why, you may ask? Well, it's obvious when you think about it. Britain invented the modern world. Britain invented technology - the car (thanks Trevithick!), the plane (thanks Cayley!), Television (thanks Baird!). You name it, Britain probably made it.
I know, I know. That's just "things." Anybody can make "things."
But just look at what Britain did for the world! Spread western civilisation. Invented human rights. Killed Educated foreign peoples in the ways of good manners; how to drink tea, how to speak English, and how to make the most of the land you've got!
We invented freedom, when some rich guys decided they didn't want to answer to some even richer rich guy! (Peasants? What peasants? I don't see no peasants here...)
Oh, and we invented the world! Before Britain came along to invent it, large parts of it didn't even exist! Australia, New Zealand, India, Africa: all British! (lol)
And Britain itself; wow! 1,000 years, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world! One thousand years unbeaten. Saving the world from the French for centuries. Saved the world from the Germans twice. And desperately trying to save the world from the Americans to this very day!
But on the face of things, when you really look at the competition, it's not really all that difficult to be the best. I mean, just look at the alternatives...
France: The Hexagon, as they call it. Which says it all, really. I mean, they couldn't be a cool, interesting shape like Britain (A man bareback riding a pig! Yee-haw!). No, they had to go all symmetrical. Typical frog. Still, at least they make great hosts. Just ask the Germans! And they say it's the world capital of romance. Suuuure... Nothing more romantic than snogging a woman with hairy pits, right? Well, whatever floats your boat... Weirdos.
Germany: Sure, they tried to stand up to the unquestionable might of Britain (twice, I may add) and lost humiliatingly. But, you've got to give them credit. Two cracks at the world title. Fair play to them. Still, they'll never find a way to take over Europe the way they wanted to. Never will they unite Europe under one flag, wielding their political and economic might to their own whims, imposing their ideas across the continent as if it's what's best for everyone... Aw, crap!
Italy: What's the thinnest book in the world? The Italian book of War Heroes. They've not really had much luck in the last millennium and a half. I mean, after the Romans, it's been nothing but a downhill tumble. At least when the Germans tried to take over Europe, they got as far as the west coast, beating some (maybe one) real world powers in the process. What did Italy do? They went after Africa! I mean, I know people like sun, sea and sand... But come on! Lush, green expanses of beautiful countryside to the north, or blistering, desolate wasteland to the south? And still you wonder why their tanks only went backwards? Yeesh...
Russia: You just know that when you make a country that big not everybody's going to get along. If it's not a bitter winter of death and starvation, then it's a bitter winter of death and revolution. And boy, do they really revolt! They change their government more times than Prince Harry changes his underpants! But do they do it the civilised, British way and stand in line to cast a vote once every few years? Nope. They draw swords/guns/pitchforks and start killing each other. Here's how the British would conduct a Russian revolution!
Dimitri: "Oh, Vladimir, I do believe it's my turn to be in charge!"
Vladimir: "By Jove, Dimitri, I do believe you're right! It's been, what, four years? Here's the keys to the Kremlin. Please do try not to mess it up too much."
Dimitri: "Righty-o!"
Vladimir: "Wait a minute, Dimitri; didn't you forget something?"
Dimitri: "Good heavens, how silly of me!"
Dimitri: Draws a gun and shoots Vladimir in the chest.
Vladimir weakly: "Jolly good game, old chap."
And that'd be the end of it. Well, for four years at least.
Japan: For a fellow island nation with a proud and rich history, bound by a strong sense of honour, we Brits should hold a certain respect for the Japanese. Trouble is, they've never quite gone about it the right way. I mean, if you're going to try and take over America, you don't use military force. That's just idiotic. You do it subtly, over the course of decades. You introduce them to the fun side of your culture and art, get them to really appreciate it. Sell them your superior-quality goods, such as electronics and cars. Keep pushing more and more until, eventually, they're so hooked on the stuff they can't live without it! Then, and only then, can you claim victory over- Oh... right... Never mind ^_^
Canada: Gotta love the Canadians. Definitely fond of their British heritage. I mean, they've followed us into just about every pointless major world war we've ever started entered when we wanted to play with the Germans save the world. Respect to them for that. But then, when you take a closer look, you begin to see the cracks. Firstly, there's that border with the Yanks. Nothing wrong with that, except they seem to be willing to just let them come and go as they please! Suck it up, Canada! Just say no! Oh, and then, on top of all that, they're basically half French or something. And we all know what's wrong with that! Blegh. And it was all going so well...
America: Hmm, where to begin... Well, for some strange reason, America has the impression that they're a democracy (the only democracy too, if you believed what they say), saving the world (America) from the evils of fascist dictatorship (the rest of the world). Oh, and that we're all jealous of that. I mean, come on. We've had democracy here for the best part of a millennium! You have two political parties. Right wing, and even more right wing. How is that democracy? Yeah, I know, I know. You held a little rebellion a few centuries ago and gained something called "independence" from the British crown, whilst Britain was playing with the French nobly defending the world from the evils of France (Damned Napoleon!). But come on, that was a long time ago. I mean, get over it. If you're going to have some fireworks, fire them off in winter when the nights are actually dark. Not in the middle of summer when you can't see it at all! Oh well, you just can't teach common sense.
The Rest of The World: Well, it's just not British, is it? You win some, you lose some. Better luck next time!
In summary, it's easy to see why Britain's the greatest. I just makes too much sense for it to be wrong. Like fish and chips, or bangers and mash, or oppressing a foreign culture to the point where they give up all their natural resources for next to nothing, at the same time providing you with the free labour to do so.
*Rubs a tear from his eye* God bless this mess proud nation. God save the Queen!
(Hope that made you laugh ;))
